Keeping the Culture...

noticing...with gratitude.

2010-05-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Just doin a bit of thinking...rereading from the recent past...journaling is cool like that...the documenting of my thoughts allows me to analyse changes in myself. I like to analyse and find the gratitude in everything that happens. Being me in every moment and looking back at myself with compassion. That's the trick...

I like when I realize I have a new trick!

SAT NAM!

an end to a beginning...that's the adventure of life.

2010-03-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

WOW !

So the married thing has happened and Jonny are to live happily ever after...and I am overjoyed about it! Now I feel a safety in my home and in my career that allows me to breathe more deeply and of course look for new things on which to focus...

First thing on my mind is the trip to Greece which I know will be ridiculously gorgeous and romantically adventurous...

But beyond is this idea of being a parent...of a human...and will we create our own human or we will find an existing human baby that needs parents to care for him or her...and how our lifestyle will change as we take on parenting and whether I will adapt joyfully to the change without too much harassment from my ever powerful ego who much rather I lounge here in the achievement of the marriage goal with so many rationalizations and reminders of how stressful it will be and how many things could go wrong...

Its truly a test of faith in myself and in my path and it scares the shit out of me!

to manifest...

2010-02-10T23:22:00.000-08:00

Aha...didn't see this coming...

Quite a bit goin on inside my head as I approach my wedding day...I continue to say Wahe Guru and bow in highest gratitude as I allow the queasiness of anticipation and detail OCD wash over me...I remember all the encouragement from all my sistas over the years and the strength of my faith in my intuition about my Jonny...sometimes you just hafta believe that what is meant to happen, will happen!

Miraculous Powers activate!

My heart is full and my dreams are coming true...

Patience Pays

Peace to all...Light to all...Love to all!
Sat Nam

Early Anthem...

2009-05-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

Desolate loving in your eyes
you used to make my life so sweet
step out like a godfound child
I saw your eyes across the street

Who would be the fool to be
more than just kind
step into a life of maybe
Love will make you blind

In the church of the poison mind...
-George Alan O'Dowd 1983

At age 14 this song is what hooked me to Boy George...he knew about my poison mind...and he was celebrating it...tragically...but not cynically.

like Alice in wonderland
the dream takes you by the hand
inside emotions that you might not feel
if by some notion the dream was not real

watching the colours as they run
figures emote like the sun
lovers can dream
devils can dream
you may be nowhere
until you have seen

It could be magic
It could be tragic
the dream
the dream
the dream

He used language that was poetic... with its symbolism and he was so bravely, obnoxiously in everyone's face with who he was!

I was utterly attracted to his fearlessness!

Humans are obsessed with what they don't understand...must give it attention and over analyze until it can fit into a box with which we are comfortable. How can anyone be fearless????

Ooh I have cried so many times
But only for things
That never were mine
Heaven is sweet
Love is unkind
Thoughts are twisted inside of your mind
Don't let them tell you
That this love is wrong
And don't let them fool you
That this love can't go on

Stormkeeper 1983

Boy George was an anomaly with whom I identified...and for several years the whole world was ridiculously intrigued by his gender bending and his sharp tongue...he was so blatant!

someone says
wake up child and throw your life away
wee you in the crime file
what will your mama say

sometimes you get angry
no focus in your life
when people get hungry
they learn how to survive

Changing every day

Summer syncopation
The space between your eyes
Is a place for heroes
That never compromise

Sometimes you feel lonely
No focus or surprise
Pushed into production
What a way to live our lives

Changing every day
1983

His lyrics spoke to me...I felt his wounded heart and need for justice.

you can bystand all the people
stand them on their own
they will fall to pieces
that's where children go

dragged into conversations
they can't hold
its so sad but it prepares them
for the mold...

Why is my love
like an ocean run dry
and why is my love
such a struggle with life...

mistake number three 1983

or this one which reminds me of my mother...

you used to say love and be loved all the time
but you discovered feelings were a failure sign
when it rains it rains so hard
my tears begin to show
now its raining in my heart
and I want the world to know
I would rather dance with you
than have a medal to show.

The Medal Song 1984

I will defend Boy George's heart and his naivety, his bitterness and his bad luck to my death...he went through tremendous emotional trauma.

Clowns caress you
figures undress your fears
induced to crimes beyond emotion
shedding tears as big as the ocean

don't say you didnt hear us callin
hoohoo you'll be sorry in the morning
when we tell you mama had tears in her eyes
she's the only one who never cries

thats the way we destroy a baby
shut it out, shut it out your mind

That's the way 1983

He saved my life, as I felt so victimized and hopeless as teen. George's monologues about cynical people and not letting anyone tell you who you should be, allowed me to move through my desire to not endure the pain I felt so viscerally.

you bet that I cannot resist it
when you move inside my life
touchin souls I feel restricted
and I know that its not wise

walking alone in the whisper of nighttime
walking alone, no comfort in sight
wont some god come down from heaven
and set me, set me on fire!

Whisper 1988

I watched several tributes to him on you tube this morning and I was so overwhelmed with love again realizing how many fans like myself are out there loving him forever. :)

He is paying for his crimes...and he will only be stronger for it!

Love and Blessings George xoxoxo

No time for wasting my time
just trying to get the message thru
hold up the mirror to me
all your ever seeing is you...

Mirror 1999

yes we can...

2008-11-05T21:14:00.000-08:00

I feel the desire to blog. It comes so infrequently. Yesterday was so exhilerating and my wonder-twin Anna stated boldly "Good triumphed over Evil!"

Change has begun...and I feel the change in so many ways but mostly how it all relates back to becoming more myself through breath and meditation and becoming more at peace with who I am right now and how I am the creation of all my experiences. I truly have released so much fear and allowed the compassion in my heart and the trust in my infinite soul to influence my behavior more and more regularly.

It feels like the change of consciousness is approaching and I feel so safe as I walk into its light!

Revalations

2008-03-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Hello again cyber-readers,

I want to reiterate that I am not the most disciplined blogger. I think about blogging often especially after reading the blogs of my two friends who are very regular with it. I journal the old fashioned way reasonably often, but the content is often not for public consumption . There are so many things to talk about right now and I know they are all related but expressing that connection cleverly is my challenge...

I guess first is that I took a new job last October as a case-manging medical social worker with the pulmonary clinic after realizing that I had been in LA for 4 years and was still playing it like we were only here temporarily. I see now that I was in a holding pattern trying to cope with my lack of discipline and direction and my fear of being alone.

My manager at the hospital was very encouraging around my transition. We have a rapport that began when I first got the per diem position in 2004 and he was an ICU case -manager. He helped me figure out what I could really handle long term and to have the courage to put in on the table with the medical team with whom I am now working. He also got me to agree to covering both Pulmonary services while my friend and colleague is on maternity leave.

Second, I returned from an amazing trip to Thailand and caught a virus that Jonny picked up on the plane ride home, that has lasted nearly a month and has robbed me of my senses of smell and taste. The virus got me when I was at a peak of stress with the job. I had been on my own with the two services for about a month and was feeling weighted down and having the desire to run away. The day before I got sick I had an interaction with a mom that did not go well and left me feeling useless...

Luckily the following weekend was the start of the Vitality and Stress Module of the Level 2 Kundalini teacher training. I charged the tuition before we left for Thailand, but had been building resistance to the course. My main issue was that it was at Golden Bridge and my previous experience with "those people" had so not met my expectations and left me with a dislike for "LA Yogis"

I processed this resistance with my yoga mentor and she encouraged me to let go of past experiences and go with an open heart. Well I have to say this training arrived at exactly the right time as it spoke directly to all that I was experiencing with my where my life was. I got to be with Krishna who is like a spiritual mother to me and I got to listen to Gurucharan who speaks to the precocious little girl that I am. But mostly it was perfect because I again found a sense of purpose and community that had been eluding me for some time.

Just the other day I learned about personal years in numerology:
http://www.astrology-numerology.com/num-personalyear.html

This year for me is a 7:

Personal Year 7. . . . a time for analysis and understanding
A 7 personal year promises to be a very introspective year, a period of some pause and reflection between very active years in your life. This year should provide you with some time for gaining some understanding of yourself, and you are apt to spend a good bit of time in contemplation. It will be good for you to spend time alone or in quiet activities, as free from outside responsibilities as possible. You should try to get away from business pressures. This is a good year to reflect on the past and plan for the future. This will not tend to be a year of action, but rather a year of waiting and development. One of the most profitable activities in with to engage during a personal year 7 is that of study and writing, for your ability to think clearly, analyze, and integrate your thoughts is peaked now. Your capacity for research and understanding is at its very best. It would not be unusual for you to take on an appearance of coolness and detachment during a 7 year. Certainly, it is best for you to focus your attention on your talents and your skills in an effort to use the time you have now to refine them. Perhaps you can find the time to gain more education, or simply spend free time in reflection and meditation.

Coincidentally we have been assigned the Mul Mantra done with long deep breaths for 90 days as well as journaling, for the homework to the training. I have of course been procrastinating a bit getting that 90 days started as I am still snotty and I had my wisdom teeth removed two days ago. I did begin to journal the other night and asked myself "when will meditation stop being a chore and move to something that I want to do?" I think I have realized that it might be this year!
Sat Nam

relationship to all

2007-09-05T17:06:00.000-07:00

A long time ago I bought this vile of rocks at new age conference of all the alternative things you could imagine in 1993. The group of rocks was called "relationship to all" and I spent money that I didn't have to buy it. I still have it, but I will have to look for it...

I think about relationships all the time and this last few days I began to see that they are all similar with an ebb and flow...a rhythm if you will. And the one thing that each person must remember is to try to stay in time...when the steady flow is interupted it can be painful.

With intimacy it seems to be an ebb of neediness to a flow of comfort. One person must realize when the other person is more needy than themsleves and have the strength to lift the other, with faith, that in turn you will be lifted. If that faith isn't there, the relationship can falter.

I just had a week of adventure with my very dear friend Karlie and because I am not really keeping the faith with myself I was very sensitive and allowed all the things that make me love her to kinda get on my nerves... I realized when she got very close to her fear that she was probly irritated because she had hoped I would be more comforting.

I think we did some hard work because we both noticed that we were getting some snags in our rhythm that didn't feel good and we both wanted to fix it. I love you Karlie!

And thanks to my Earth Mama Tara, for telling me how it is without fear and making me see the lesson.

And a super big cuddle to Jonny for having my back as usual! I love you so!

I appreciate all my relationships and how they keep me on my path to find the ebb and flow in myself and have faith in it!

SATNAM

lifelong obsession

2007-07-21T13:15:00.001-07:00

For those of you who do not know me well...I am a huge Cher fan and have had very clear lucid dreams of her since I was about 5 years old! The dreams aren't always straightforward but she is usually encouraging me to go beyond my fears. I used to think of her as my guardian angel but now I am more inclined to think that she is my inner strength. She is a talented outspoken, heartfelt woman who has stood up to our cruel society over and over again in her life.

I have been trolling thru livejournal profiles in the last few days trying to find others with common interests. I am not sure how I ended up on this particular page but the user photo was of Cher so I clicked and when I clicked on more photos they all were of Cher. I have never seen this particular photo before and I am entranced.

random

2007-07-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

I would like to meet others who have dictionary.com in their quick launch bar and are intrigued by the grammar and usage section.

Jonny and I popped in to the Fluevog Store on Melrose Ave. in LA last weekend. It was one of our stops while we were out trying to enjoy ourselves in the land of the most entitled driver. It was almost 8 pm when all the cool shops close, but we were invited in to look by the trendy sales people. Jonny saw some super sweet boots that Denise and I had spied several months ago and they were on sale in his size! He was pressured by myself and this Andy-Dick-looking-and speaking salesguy, to buy them!
http://www.fluevog.com/code/?w%5B0%5D=search%3A240%20wagon&p=1&amp;pp=1&view=detail&colourID=1865#zoom

Since then I have been trolling the Fluevog site finding it unfair that he has cooler shoes than me!

I am currently obsessed with these shoes !
http://www.fluevog.com/code/?w=attribute%3AShoe&pp=1&amp;view=detail&p=1&colourID=2034#zoom

I love their lipsticky redness and sexy curves... a bit understated and functional. I already called to verify that they have my size and Andy Dick tried to work me on the phone! I may have to go back there and try them on!

The Daizy Gym

2007-06-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

Hello Again,

I would like to now pay homage to my newer friend and life companion, Daizy Puppers. Today I had some revelations about this part of my path. Getting grounded and actually becoming Outdoor Girl with baddass dog!

Daizy and I have started walking serious now. I have walked her plenty around the small block trying to work on verbal and leash cues. Now we are going much further on a harder course. I am not sure of the distance, but it starts with some hardcore downhill Jonny says is like 100 or so degrees. I work out my arms controlling Daizy's speed during this part. Then we walk across a flat area where some of Daizy's dog friends live. I haven't met the owners so I don't know their names but they like to play through the fence whenever Daizy comes by. Then we turn again and up a slightly less steep hill to the neighborhood park which is actually directly behind out house. We walk the perimeter of the park and then have a short rest in the shade. Daizy isn't super patient with this but understands that Mom needs a rest and some water. We like to visit with any brave humans that speak to us. Daizy is learning to be polite as not to scare others with her dangerous appearance!
By the time we get home I have had a full workout finished off with the stair stepper back up the 100 degree hill. Its so much more doable with a dog that's bred for pulling up in front! Daizy and I both like to come back into the nice cool house have a drink and relax with some smooth jazz!

She is like a cat in the dark and then she is the darkness...

2007-06-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

Today is one of the hardest days of my life. Today I set my Familiar free from her earthy existence.

Rhiannon has been in my company for seventeen years this month and has not been in optimal health for the last year or so. She had been diagnosed with kidney failure about a year after we moved to LA and had stopped eating the prescription food since about the first of June. When I returned from Austin Monday night her eyes said she was in pain and she was having trouble getting around...I knew in my heart she was ready to go but its so hard to let go...

For those of you who don't know the story, I was joined to her one otherwise uneventful day while working at Highland Mall in 1990. On a whim I detoured into the pet shop after my shift to find domestice kittens for $19. I am gererally against pet store animals, but was drawn there without much forthought. I had always wanted a black cat to name it Rhiannon after the witch described in the Fleetwood Mac song. SO when I picked up this fluffy black female with big yellow eyes and she nudged me lovingly under the chin I knew SHE must be the one.

She grew into a beautiful luxurious Princess. She has been my all knowing companion for my whole adult life. I am sad to let her go, but I know she has lived a life full of love and adventure.

She provided Jonny and I with entertainment without too much complaining.

We will miss her...

Time flies when you're procrastinating...

2007-06-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

A year has passed and I still haven't uploaded one album on my amazing ION player that was to allow for the context of my blathering here in cyberspace...

I did play a few records since I got it hooked up to the computer! To my dismay, I found the first few to be injured in the years of being lugged about and secluded in various closets. When the Wham album that I was aching to hear again skipped in a not-so-hip-hop way, I was extremely discouraged! Not to mention Jonny was unable to make the record player and the rest of my computer audio work at the same time...

I finally asked him to yank the record player in favor of the ability to hear songs on myspace and Youtube audio and listen to all the music that I do have stored on the computer. THEN Jonny got me an IPod shuffle for crishmas and I was completely distracted by the shiny new music toy thats easily accessed by the computer and hooks onto my clothes like a fancy accessoire. :P

Today I have done a whole latta nuthin! I did get up and care for my sweet puppers this morning and I watered the plants that Jonny asked me to, but other than that I have been "computering" all day. Mostly messing with Picasa and trying to make my blog cool...Julia is going to help me when I am in Austin next week! YAY!

So its likely that there will be more to come with pictures!

happy new year...

2007-01-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

So another several months have passed and again I feel the urge to type to the virtual world...

Hi everyone! Hope your holiday was filled with cheer! Mine was filled with travel, indulgence and dancing! I feel I have rediscovered dancing as a meditative form. Kewal had told me in the past to dance for my daily practice and I never did it because I saw dancing as the old way of getting into the flow...but I now understand that it was my attitude about dancing that needed to be revised. Its hard to explain, but it has to do with all the functions of the second chakra...creativity in all its definitions.

I completed the in class portion of the level 2 training Mind and Meditation and I thought it was pretty inspirational though I can't say my questions were answered. I was taught to find the answer in the question and that sent me spinning! Self discovery is a long and grueling process for the overachiever. Always trying to do your best or get it right can be exhausting. The meditation that I chose for myself is hopefully developing my inner coach...that knowing voice that keeps you focused on your goals with encouragement...

I am embarking on my third year of teaching with Yoga for Youth and I just met a bunch of highschoolers tonight that were super excited to learn yoga. I am so blessed to teach the warriors of the future their first lesson in the force!

Sat Nam!

where have I been?

2006-08-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Ok so its obvious that I am not a very disciplined blogger!

I am actually not very disciplined generally... though friends may argue, I promise that any appearance of discipline is a guise to appease the Capricorn moon that tortures me nonstop!

These past few days have been very emotional as I try to cope without my usual support...I wonder if I am truly my own authority and get to decide what is right and wrong for me or if those rationalizations keep me going as I waste time not moving toward my destiny...am I where I am supposed to be on my path or am I delaying myself due to fear of my own greatness?

I am going to a yoga training called Mind and Meditation in October in Austin with my teachers and my community in hopes of understanding my own resistance to doing what I know is right...

It has begun...

2006-06-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ok so Jonny freed the record box from its closet prison over the weekend and I am just beginning to look through it this evening. I was super excited thinking of all the 80's music I would recover. Looking through I realized that my collection actually started in the mid seventies before I ever listened to the radio....

I have always been extremely into music and I can remember listening to the Disney records, especially Peter and the Wolf, when we lived in Germany. I think I had them all, the old school ones anyway... You know Dumbo, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan. I was inside alot as a youngster and they were my company. I don't know what happened to them...I assumed they were given away by my mother to younger children. (Remember records are heavy and moving them is a pain in the ass!)

So lets think back to the seventies and what children would have been exposed to in popular music??? In my home it was mainly what I saw on the limited television available overseas. My fav shows of all time were the Muppet Show, Captain and Tenille, and of course, the Cher Show.

If you remember, the Muppet Show always had a musical guest and my all time favorite was Crystal Gayle! If you don't know she is Loretta Lynn's youngest sister and she had dark hair to her ankles. My parents liked her too as she was on the country charts. I currently have three of her albums that I believe I pilfered from my parents collection. I also have Captain and Tenille's greatest hits including "Love will Keep Us Together" and "Muskrat Love" Thats right you heard!

2006-06-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

G	Glorious
U	Useful
R	Radical
L	Loud

L	Luxurious
I	Ideal
Z	Zippy

Name'>http://www.go-quiz.com/acronym/acronym.php">Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

the context lends itself to better comprehension

2006-06-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

So I had asked Jonny, a long time ago when I was uploading MP3's from the internet, how I could upload my records into the computer, thinking I had alot of old songs on vinyl...

Well at the time there was not an inexpensive way to manage this ourselves. I tried to arrange a time with the DJ friends who had the set up, but never managed to make it convenient enough to do...Records are very heavy!!!!

SO when Urban Outfitters, of all places, came out with a shit-hot (more Englishisms) USB record player..I almost wet my pants! I left the catalog opened and circled...just in case.

I thought fer sure I would get one for xmas and dug out my box of records, which has been kept close throughout my adventures. I went through them all and felt all weird and viceral like I do when I remember the eighties.

Well of course Urban Outfitters sold out of them during gift giving season and I again was glum, longing to hear the obscure mix of music that I collected between the ages of 8 and 18 (I think...when did cassettes take over?)

Well the other day Jonny and I went out to Astroburger on Melrose, one of my favorite LA places for date night, and I convinced him to goto Urban Outfitters after because I wanted those footless tights for skirt wearing. When we got there we had like 10 minutes to shop before they closed. Low and behold there were the USB record players. We just looked at each other and next thing I knew we were getting it. YAY!

Well the ION (fancy high tech looking thing...all silvery and delicious) has been sitting here next to my desk a while, as the box of records got packed in the office closet in the back when we were organizing the house before guests last month and I haven't made the time to dig it out...but now I am inspired and will hopefully begin the amazing process very soon!

Stay tuned!

ok I am blogging serious now

2006-06-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

Had a long chat with Julia last night on google chat while she was at work and we talked about blogging. I told her I had blogged a few times on friendster but hadn't kept up with it. She said she had read them and wanted more which of course was the right answer, playing skillfully on my need to to speak my mind continuously... :)

I was concerned that I would be boundariless in my commentary and write something that I could never take back as the words are practically burned into the ethers, once posted on the tinternet (bit of English slang). Jonny reminded me that even if you delete, its still out there and someone could find it if they wanted to...

So I have found a context that I think will produce full-on Liz commentary without getting too heavy...and its all thanks to Jonny who I love dearly!

More to come....